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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23824873">Make me like you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitteredsins/pseuds/glitteredsins'>glitteredsins</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandanica/pseuds/jennandanica'>jennandanica</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Citadel: Antony Starr and Stephen Amell [143]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Actor RPF, Arrow (TV 2012) RPF, Banshee (TV) RPF, Canadian Actor RPF, Citadel (Journalfen RPG), New Zealand Actor RPF, The Boys (TV 2019) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BDSM, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:35:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,955</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23824873</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitteredsins/pseuds/glitteredsins, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandanica/pseuds/jennandanica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In Citadel, Antony Starr is an AU (alternate universe) character. He tells people he's an IT Risk Management and Computer Security Consultant (his official cover) but really he's a ex-military, sometimes mercenary, computer hacker and master thief hired by collectors and other ruthless people to steal for them: art, jewels, money, information... Citadel knows Antony's true occupation and he would never target the organization or any of its membership. Through Cit, he's met Stephen Amell (played RL) and fallen hard. This is their story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Stephen Amell/Antony Starr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Citadel: Antony Starr and Stephen Amell [143]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/303195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Make me like you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a re-posting (archiving) of all logs for the Antony Starr/Stephen Amell storyline in the BDSM RPS RPG <a href="http://citadel.dreamwidth.org/read">Citadel</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>players only. backdated to 2014. takes place a few days after <a href="https://antony-starr.dreamwidth.org/20617.html">Antony comes clean with Stephen.</a></b>
</p><p> <i>warnings: none</i></p><p>It's been three days since the incident at breakfast when Stephen had been enlightened as to the nature of Antony's illegal work, and the cause of some of his more significant scars. He'd spent much of that day in bed, fending off a brutal headache, and the following had been spent scribbling on paper and the new journals that Christos had picked up for him. Antony had been as attentive as Stephen would allow - which wasn't much.</p><p>Today, however, he's feeling a little better, brighter, less morose.  He's up a little earlier, slipping out of bed as Antony stirs. "I'm just going to shower, and shave," he says softly before making his way into the bathroom.</p><p>"Okay," Antony mumbles, shifting onto his back, spread starfish-like to all four corners, one arm under his pillow and head, his free hand resting on his stomach. Only slowly becoming aware that he's hard and that the fucking fantastic dream he'd been in the middle of was all about sex. Fuck. He can hear the shower running, knows he has a few minutes at least, and with that in mind, pushes down the front of his pajama pants and wraps his hand around his cock.</p><p>Stephen's taken a piss, fired up the shower, and brushed his teeth.  He glances around. Realizing he's left the shorts he intended on wearing on the chair beside the bed, he moves to the door, pulling it open. But before he can step through he's pulled up short by the soft sounds that reach his ears. He knows that noise, he and Antony have been intimate too many times for him not to recognize the sound of his husband in the throes of sexual pleasure. Catching his bottom lip between his teeth Stephen stills, listening as the noises, stifled as they are, become more urgent.</p><p>"Oh, fuck," Antony breathes, precome slicking his strokes, his eyes closed, every fiber of his being focused on the images playing through his mind.</p><p>Stephen takes a half step into the room to catch a glimpse, Antony's eyes are squeezed shut, his mouth open as he fists his cock. The sight of it has Stephen's breath catching and he moves back into the bathroom, pushing the door almost shut as he backs up to the shower.  Guilt wars with need; guilt that he's pushed Antony away, that his husband has resorted to jerking off in secret, but he also felt the pull to go to Antony, to attend to his lover, his husband. <i>It's too soon, I'm not ready...</i>  Stepping under the water, Stephen turns his face up into it, his own body had responded too, his cock is now half hard, but he tries to ignore it, busying himself instead with scrubbing his skin clean and washing his cropped hair.</p><p>Antony takes his time, drawing out his pleasure, but it's not too long before he's spilling over his fingers, hot and thick and wet. Thankful the shower's still running, he reaches for a tissue from the bedside table, wiping his hand clean and righting his pajamas before he settles back, eyes on the morning light playing across the ceiling.</p><p>Making sure to take his time, Stephen dries off, smears cream over his healing wrists and ankles and tucks a towel around his waist before he steps back into the bedroom.  He glances at the bed as he does so. "Hey," he says softly, reaching for the shorts he'd attempted to retrieve earlier.</p><p>"Hey," Antony offers his husband a smile, eyes crinkling. "How'd you sleep?"</p><p>"Good," Stephen nods. "I'm feeling better today, I could do with a walk, some exercise I think, might manage to stir up my appetite."</p><p>"Now?" Antony asks, sitting up, one hand run over the back of his neck, the dirty tissue tucked into his other.</p><p>"No rush," Stephen waves it off as he pulls on his shorts and discards the towel. "After breakfast, or at least coffee."</p><p>"Okay," Antony nods, getting out of bed, his pajama pants dropped to the floor and tossed in the hamper. Naked, tissue still tucked in his hand, he grabs shorts and a tee and throws them on the end of the bed. "You want some fresh fruit? Eggs?"</p><p>Coming so soon after catching Antony jerking off, Stephen is caught off guard when his husband strips off and stands there naked, asking him about food.  His gaze drops to Antony's dick, no longer hard, but still so impressive in size, and for a moment he can recall how it tastes, how it feels in his mouth.</p><p>"We've got some of that bread left if you just want toast," Antony says, wondering at Stephen's lack of response before he notices where he's looking.</p><p>There's an awkward moment's silence and then Stephen lifts his gaze to meet Antony's.  "I saw you, earlier, I saw you jerking off," he admits quietly.</p><p>"I was trying to be discreet," Antony says on a soft exhale, refusing to be embarrassed.</p><p>"No, you were... it's just..." the words tail off before Stephen blurts out a question. "Have you being doing it much?  Since we've been here?"</p><p>"A couple times," Antony nods.</p><p>Stephen's shoulders drop and he looks down at the floor again.  Once more he's conflicted, the submissive in him still has the urge to please Antony, but the husband, the lover... "I want to touch you."  The words are spoken softly, an almost reluctant admission.</p><p>"Then touch me," Antony says, almost as softly. "Whatever you want."</p><p>"But..."  Stephen stalls as he takes a step closer. "I'm not ready for sex, I can't stop feeling we can't have sex without some power play, and I can't do that... I just can't."</p><p>"Okay." Antony nods, willing to do whatever it takes to re-establish more intimacy between them. "Then use your words. Tell me what you want and what you don't want and if you tell me no, I'll listen."</p><p>Blowing out a breath Stephen nods. "Okay. Go take a shower, I'll get us some coffee and breakfast and maybe we can start there, feeding each other, it's something we both like and it's... I can be close to you," Stephen offers.</p><p>Antony smiles. "That sounds great," he says, starting to take a step forward to kiss Stephen before realizing he's still naked. "I won't be long."</p><p>It's a slightly flustered Stephen that makes them a pot of coffee and a plate of toast, fruit and cold meat.  He piles it all up on a tray and carries it carefully back from the communal kitchen to their private villa.  When he steps into the bedroom it's to find Antony toweling himself down.</p><p>"Here," he sets the tray in the centre of the bed and averts his gaze, not wanting to stare again.  His fingers itch to touch, to re-familiarise himself with Antony's body.</p><p>"Thanks." Antony hangs the towel in the bathroom and comes back to the bed. "How dressed do you want me?" he asks, unwilling to leave anything to chance.</p><p>"Can you put some boxers on?"  Stephen doesn't want to be too distracted, but he still wants to touch.  He climbs up onto the bed and sits down cross-legged, waiting for Antony to join him, busying himself with pouring them both coffee.</p><p>"Sure." Antony puts on a pair of black boxers and settles on the bed, back against the headboard. "Did you see anyone else in the main house?"</p><p>Stephen shakes his head.  "No, I guess they're either still in bed, or out and about being busy." He hands Antony his coffee and shuffles a little closer. "I want to touch you, to remember how you feel, but I need to feel in control of that. I know we used to joke about you not being able to be gentle and tender... but that's what I need from you.  I was beaten, manhandled, humiliated by them, I need the opposite from your hands."</p><p>Antony nods, his heart heavy at the words, at the reminder of what Stephen's been through. "I can do that," he promises.</p><p>Giving a small nod at Antony's reply Stephen reaches for a piece of toast, and takes a bite, needing a moment to collect his thoughts. It's been weeks since they were intimate with each other. A lifetime ago since they've fucked, indulged in play, gotten sweaty and breathless in each other's arms. The memories are vivid for Stephen, and he wonders once more if they can recover all they've lost. "Did you think of me... when you were jerking off?" he asks with a half smile.</p><p>Antony gives a soft laugh. He can't help it. "Yeah. Always," he says, eyes crinkling, amused at his own expense.</p><p>"Yeah?" That smile, it still gets him, low in the belly. "Will it always be me?" He glances up under his lashes at Antony, taking another bite from the toast.</p><p>Antony nods. "It will always be you," he says. "You've gotten under my skin and into my heart like no one else ever has. That's not going to change. Even in my fantasies."</p><p>"If... if I allowed you to do one thing to me today, more than kissing... what would it be?"  Inch by inch Stephen works to get comfortable again, he sets his toast aside and sips his coffee.</p><p>"More than kissing," Antony repeats, giving it some thought. "Given what you've said, what you need from me, if you'd let me, I'd want to extend the kissing, kiss you all over, and then, if you were feeling comfortable, aroused, I'd want to jerk you off." Which might qualify as two things really, but one's sort of an extension of the other.</p><p>Stephen blushes at that, ducks his head and looks away for a moment. "I'm not even sure I can get fully hard, I haven't since it happened. Not once." He sets his cup down on the tray and folds his hands in his lap, subconsciously covering his genitals.   "What if..." he trails off and then looks up at Antony again. "Help me?"</p><p>Antony nods. "It'll come," he says, leaning in a little. "And even if you can't get hard today, it doesn't mean you won't tomorrow or the day after that. Just give yourself permission to feel what you feel," he adds, closing the distance between them to brush his lips across Stephen's. "I don't have any expectations here." Another soft brush, testing Stephen's reaction.</p><p>Stephen's breath catches at that first caress, and as Antony closes in for the second time he's ready, his lips parted.  Lifting his hand Stephen lets his fingertips dance along the edge of Antony's jaw to his throat, round the back to the nape of his neck.</p><p>It feels like fucking heaven, having Stephen respond to him at all, that hand on his skin, his throat, his neck. Antony makes a soft sound of pleasure and licks lightly between Stephen's lips, taking things achingly slow, kissing him softly again and again.</p><p>Shifting closer still, Stephen presses his mouth to Antony's, letting his husband lick into his mouth, Antony tastes of coffee, but he smells... he smells just how Stephen remembered.  Soap, and under it, that sensual musky scent that is all male.  All Antony.</p><p>"Can I touch you?" Antony whispers, between kisses. "Under your shirt. Your chest, your nipples?" It may not be the sexiest way to do things but he's not taking any chances so they're back to checking for consent every step of the way.</p><p>Stephen nods. "Take it off... be gentle," he reminds, his ribs still ache constantly and he's wary of jarring them. "You can touch me..."</p><p>Antony carefully eases Stephen's shirt free, tossing it to the end of the bed. He runs his hand gently over Stephen's shoulder, chest, stomach, warm skin beneath his palm. "You are so beautiful," he breathes.</p><p>It's a sentiment he's heard from Antony before, but right now, Stephen feels anything but.  He's losing weight and muscle tone, he's scarred and still feels uncomfortable in his own skin. "I don't feel it," he admits his voice low to match Antony's. "I don't feel beautiful, or attractive... I just feel damaged and dirty..."</p><p>"I know," Antony nods, kissing the corner of Stephen's mouth and then the edge of his jaw. "I know how you feel," palm sliding over his chest, heat soaking into his skin. "But you are beautiful to me." Mouth moving along the curve of Stephen's jaw, down his throat. "Lie back and let me show you?"</p><p>It takes a moment to move the tray to the floor, but then Stephen is laying down, guided by Antony's hands.  "Please..."  he murmurs.  Though he's not sure what it is he's asking for; perhaps it's to feel loved, or to feel whole again, or maybe it's simply to believe, just for a moment or two, that all might be well in their world once more.</p><p>Antony stretches out beside him. "Surviving is strength, making it through each day is strength," he says as he presses kiss after kiss to Stephen's skin, moving from his jaw to his throat to his collarbone. "Scars aren't damage, they're badges of survival, of strength, and they're beautiful." Mouth moving over his chest, his nipples.</p><p>"But I did nothing... I let them take me, and then I let him cut me... and all I did was wait, for you, for you to come and get me..."  Stephen rambles, his voice catching with emotion. "I did nothing..."  His hand rests on top of Antony's head, his husband's short, damp hair cool beneath his palm.</p><p>"You fought and you survived and you talked one of his own fucking men into helping you," Antony points out, lifting his head between kisses. "And you knew that holding on for me was your best chance at getting out of there. You read the situation right and you adapted as you needed to. Never <i>ever</i> regret anything about how you handled yourself in there."</p><p>There's nothing Stephen can say, he doesn't feel like he achieved anything in there - rather he carries with him the feeling he let them both down, letting himself get taken, letting Antony down by not fighting back harder.  He stills under Antony's mouth - disconnecting from the intimacy they had begun to create.</p><p>Antony drops a few more kisses on Stephen's skin but he can feel how Stephen's shut down. "Do you want me to stop?" he asks softly, lifting his head again.</p><p>Lips pressed tight, Stephen nods.  His eyes shine with unshed tears but instead of pushing Antony away he manages to whisper.   "Hold me... make me feel safe."</p><p>Antony moves up the bed, gathering Stephen in his arms and holding him close. He'd hold him even tighter but he knows Stephen's ribs are still painful and he gives his husband room to settle as he needs to.</p><p>Skin to skin, Stephen nuzzles in, his eyes closed. Antony's body is warm, familiar. "It felt good," he offers after a moment of quiet. "It wasn't you, it was me."</p><p>"And what I was saying, right?" Antony's not about to let himself off the hook that easily.</p><p>Stephen offers a light shrug. "You can't say anything worse than I think about what happened, about how I handled it." He opens his eyes and lifts his head.  "Doesn't matter what you say to me, I failed us, I failed you, and I have to get square with that."</p><p>"<i>You</i> failed?" Antony's stunned. For all that he prides himself on being such a good reader of people, he never once thought that was where Stephen's head was at. "In what way? Do you really think any of those guys out there," he nods towards the rest of the complex, "would have been able to handle things any better? Or that I would have expected them to?"</p><p>"I don't know," Stephen swallows hard. "I know it doesn't make sense, but it was my responsibility to take care of myself for you as my owner, and I let them take me and do those things, and I didn't fight back as hard as I could have, if I had, I'd have been in a much worse state than this."</p><p>"If that's true," Antony says, staring into Stephen's eyes, "then I'm glad you didn't. Because you wouldn't be hurt worse. You'd be dead."</p><p>Antony's face becomes blurred as tears fill Stephen's eyes. "I really thought they'd kill me, they said they would, they never intended to let me go, from when I spoke to you on the phone until you opened that door... that was what I thought would happen... that's what they said would happen."</p><p>The thought makes Antony's stomach flip and flip hard. "They would've if you'd fought them. If you'd made things harder for them. Janko would have kept you alive long enough to give me proof of life and then killed you."</p><p>Stephen slides one hand around Antony's neck the other cups Antony's cheek, his grip is tight, urgent. "I never want to feel that helpless again, do you understand?" he whispers fiercely. "I never want to feel like that again..."</p><p>"I do," Antony nods, and he really does. It's maybe a good part of why he ended up where he ended up, doing what he ended up doing. Making sure no one would ever dare fucking challenge him. "And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you don't. I'll train you, I'll be your bodyguard, we'll say to hell to everything and leave the whole world behind, live out our lives on some deserted island... whatever it takes..." the last meant lightly, with a small smile, but he means it. He'd leave everything - and everyone - behind for Stephen.</p><p>Nodding Stephen presses his fingers tighter into Antony's skin. "Train me, make me like you, I never want to feel at the mercy of someone else ever again."</p><p><i>Make me like you.</i> The words send a chill down Antony's spine and he knows they need to have a better, clearer talk about what Stephen means. About how they achieve both their goals. Meeting between worlds, maybe, instead of disappearing into each other's. But right here, right now, he knows that's not what Stephen needs so he nods. "I'll make sure you won't," he promises.</p><p>There's a heart beats pause and then Stephen is pressing his mouth to Antony's in a fierce kiss, one he's very much in charge of.</p><p>Antony groans into the kiss, his heart leaping at Stephen initiating any kind of intimacy - for the first time since all this happened. At a sign that his husband actually wants him. Still wants him. He kisses back, matching the fierceness but careful not to override it or take control.</p><p>"Lay back," Stephen growls into the kiss, pushing Antony to make him sprawl against the bed. "Lay back!"</p><p>Antony does as he's told -- without question or hesitation. Something in Stephen's tone, that growl, sparking his arousal.</p><p>Stephen's hands move over Antony's throat, down over his chest, fingers pressing in, nails scoring hair dusted skin. He dips his head and nuzzles warm flesh, inhaling his husband's scent. He pauses as he reaches Antony's belly, rubbing his cheek over the skin. "Fuck I can smell you... I've missed that...."</p><p>Groan after groan spills from Antony's mouth, his cock already so hard he'd swear he could cut glass. It feels like Stephen wants to eat him alive, and if that really were the case, Antony's pretty damn sure he wouldn't protest one bit.</p><p>Antony's dick is mere inches from his face, and Stephen can see, as well as smell, the precum that is darkening the cotton of his shorts where his erection is straining the fabric to the max. Drunk on the sensual overload of revelling in his husband's body, Stephen pushes the shorts out of the way, hooking the waistband over the thick length to expose it.  Moments later his mouth closes around the crown, sucking greedily on the clear beads of precum that have gathered there.</p><p>"Oh fuck," Antony breathes, on a sound like he's been gutted, fingers curling into fists. "Feels so good..." Like sheer fucking heaven.</p><p>Stephen really doesn't give a fuck how good it feels for Antony, this is all about him.  He all but rips the shorts further down Antony's legs, pushing his husband's thighs apart to cup full and heavy balls.  Rolling them in his palm he starts to swallow down on the throbbing cock in his mouth.</p><p>Thank God Antony jerked off this morning because otherwise he would've already blown his load. As it is, he's barely holding on under Stephen's onslaught, his cock leaking and his balls drawing up tight in his husband's grip.</p><p>One long swallow and a slow suck, and Stephen pulls his mouth off with an audible and wet sounding 'pop'. "Don't you dare cum yet,"  he grinds out, his eyes flashing. He's not asking, he's demanding this of his lover. "You fucking hang on until it hurts..."  And with those words, he returns his mouth to Antony's dick, his hands, rough and sure playing over his husband's genitals and upper thighs.</p><p>It's not the first time Stephen's gotten growly with him but it's the first since everything went down, the dynamic between them completely changed. And with anyone else Antony would bristle at the order, the demand. He's never been anything but dominant, never switched even once, but this is Stephen. His whole reason for being. And what Stephen wants, Stephen gets, Antony gritting his teeth and holding on, every ounce of control called to the fore.</p><p>Just for these brief moments, Stephen forgets everything; everything except the taste, feel and smell of his husband's body.  He gorges himself on it, hands desperate as they knead and direct, his mouth full of aching, throbbing cock. He knows Antony's body, can tell the moment it all becomes just too intense for his husband and he braces himself for the inevitable.</p><p>Antony holds out as long as he can -- until it <i>does</i> hurt. And then he comes with a shout, unable to fight it any longer, his cock spurting hot and heavy and thick. His body wracked with pleasure.</p><p>Suddenly Stephen's mouth is full of Antony's semen, he swallows reflexively, until he can swirl his cum coated tongue over the now sensitive head of Antony's cock.  Slowly, reluctantly, he pulls off, rolling carefully to one side, his eyes closed, he raised his arm, draping it over his face.</p><p>Antony glances over at Stephen, unsure where his husband's head is at now. He turns on his side and puts his arm around Stephen's waist, pressing close but not too close. "You okay?" he asks softly.</p><p>There's a moment's pause and then Stephen nods, then he lets his arm slide up and over his head, opening his eyes he turns to look at Antony.  "You?"</p><p>Antony grins. He can't help it. "I'm a lot more than okay. I'm fantastic," he murmurs, planting a kiss on Stephen's shoulder.</p><p>"Hmm," Stephen hums the noise as he arches a brow. "You smug fuck," he accuses softly.</p><p>Antony laughs. "Hey. When you feel up to it, it'll be your turn," he says. "Even if you just want to try."</p><p>Shaking his head Stephen looks away. "That was for me," he says quietly.</p><p>Antony thinks about that for a minute. "Fair enough," he says, with another kiss to Stephen's shoulder. "Did you get what you needed?"</p><p>"Yeah, yeah I think so." Raising a hand he scrubs at his face.  "You think we can finish breakfast now? I'm actually hungry."</p><p>[feedback welcome. comments screened.]</p>
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